3.04.2012

an off day.



Today is definitely an "off" day. 
My body can't seem to catch up with my brain, I feel drained of energy and motivation, and little things are really getting to me. I can't really explain where this feeling is coming from or what I think would make it better- in fact, on the outside today seemed as good a day as any:
We slept in (well, til 8:30-gasp!), drank coffee and watched tv, played with the dogs, went to yoga (dan too!), grilled veggie burgers and ate outside in the sun...in t-shirts!, planned for our upcoming trip, and went to church.

But the reality is that I got up, made the coffee, took the dogs out, did dishes left from the morning day before when he had bible study at our house, and got annoyed Dan was still in bed.
 Later, I offended my husband when I criticized his "improper" bleach-to-detergent ratio when washing our white towels. 
By a miracle, Dan obliged to join me for a yoga class at noon... but we didn't make it past the front desk before snapping at each other because I told him not to leave his wallet with his shoes in the lobby.
When we were outside having lunch we started bickering over something ridiculous and one of us may-or-may-not have actually poured their beverage onto the other's lunch. 
Seriously. 
Then we went to church, which was great- I really enjoyed the message and felt like it was something I really needed to hear. I'll share more on that later.
Dan didn't really care for it.
While driving home, I suggested going to eat (we used to make a point of Sunday nights being "us" time after church, and went to eat together and talked about our upcoming weeks)... Dan wanted to eat at home. 
Silence. Yes, of course I wanted him to read my mind.
Yes, of course, I would have loved for him to turn to me with a smile and say "ya know, I'd love to go to dinner!". Yes, of course, I wanted him to ask me why I loved the sermon... and I could tell him how it moved me.
Of course, I wanted to be selfish!

Long story short. It's almost 9pm, neither of us have eaten dinner, and we're on two different stories of our house, on computers.

Trust me... all of these details really don't matter, and I definitely wrote this all out and deleted it more than once, to spare us all from the menial nonsense. 
But ultimately... this is reality. Life is full of nonsense and things we wish we could take back.
 Reality means there are days when our dots don't all connect and when it all just.ain't.happening

The worst part is when these days just happen, no matter how you try to stop it.
You can step back, breathe, try to laugh it off, say sorry, move on...
but it doesn't quite go away.
Like a fog that just lingers and distorts everything just enough.

Anyway, I know tomorrow will be better. Yesterday was better. 
...Just like the days before yesterday and days after tomorrow...
But today... is an off day.
And while I would've rather not written this post, I needed this. 
Writing has always been my first outlet, and no good day is worth any more than bad days, they are all part of life; they are for documenting, not dwelling, they are for learning from, not leaning into.
I hope to look back to this with grace and clarity and greater appreciation for small victories; "good days", and "better moments". 
That's all.




1 comment:

Anita said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry to hear you had an off day, but I love your positive attitude. Chin up and here's to the start of a beautiful week for you!